Tonight I met with a close friend.
After meandering through a few dramatic moments in our lives these past few months, I began to quickly realize that she was not asking me any questions about my experience in a foreign country, and so I began instead to ask her about her life here back in Cananda.
We did all the regular things we used to do, make dinner and watch some television, but as we did so, I was on the verge of tears to realize that someone I felt so close to could be so disinterested in my life as to not be the least bit excited to hear about a potentially life changing situation. I was shocked to find how easily we slipped back into routine as if life had never changed.
I want life to change.
Margeaux and I are discussing right now that perhaps as Christians, the aim of loving people is not for self gratification, meaning to get something in return, but simply to love people for the sake of loving them, for the sake of realizing in them that they are a worthy creation of God. Although we often coin the term "love your neighbour as yourself", we often expect that if we do this, our neighbour will in turn take the same initiative to love us back equally. This is certainly not a reality that most relationships will achieve.
I struggle with the notion of staying in friendships that are not equal for the sake of loving people who need love. Kerri and I have often debated if certain people in our lives were only there to take our love and not reciprocate it, and if we as Christians are supposed to be ok with that. I would say yes, but it is a hard yes to agree to and to live out.
The people of Guatemala seemed never to tire of each other. Every day was a day spent taking interest in the lives of their loved ones, and perhaps it is this type of loving and community that I am dearly missing right now. I pray that in time, I can find or create that type of community back here in Cananda. It might not be so easy as I thought...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Freespiritedness under fire
So, I've been questioned by a good friend about my hippy-hippy tree hugger post, you know, the one about loving stuff and running in the rain. And although it hurts to be questioned, at the same time it is what I value most in real friends, people who want to question and challenge, even if it hurts. Entonces...
I want to clarify that my love of life is not a rejection of the knowledge of God, but rather, it is a recognition of God in every moment of my life. It is a constant state of amazement that I find myself in, loving the things God has made.
Jesus does not just say, "hey guys, wait around till you die and then everything will be fine", but instead wants us to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth RIGHT NOW. God did not just design us to wait around till we die to experience him, but lovingly crafted us to interact and be inspired by our environment.
I was only trying to state that there is too much love of God in the world to waste our time pondering over things our brains cannot comprehend, things our history books will never reveal, worrying over things we cannot control, and criticizing things that are not ours to critique.
It is not that I desire to be ignorant of God, but I desire to be knowledgable of God as creator, not just as a presence in a biblical story, not just as an unknown, incomprehensible figure that is living somewhere beyond the stars...I was never attempting to discredit biblical knowledge, for surely our entire lives are built around who and what we find there, but now that I've found it and have knowledge of scriptures, it's time to put the book down and put the words into practice, no?
I want to clarify that my love of life is not a rejection of the knowledge of God, but rather, it is a recognition of God in every moment of my life. It is a constant state of amazement that I find myself in, loving the things God has made.
Jesus does not just say, "hey guys, wait around till you die and then everything will be fine", but instead wants us to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth RIGHT NOW. God did not just design us to wait around till we die to experience him, but lovingly crafted us to interact and be inspired by our environment.
I was only trying to state that there is too much love of God in the world to waste our time pondering over things our brains cannot comprehend, things our history books will never reveal, worrying over things we cannot control, and criticizing things that are not ours to critique.
It is not that I desire to be ignorant of God, but I desire to be knowledgable of God as creator, not just as a presence in a biblical story, not just as an unknown, incomprehensible figure that is living somewhere beyond the stars...I was never attempting to discredit biblical knowledge, for surely our entire lives are built around who and what we find there, but now that I've found it and have knowledge of scriptures, it's time to put the book down and put the words into practice, no?
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Final Fin De Semana: prisons, boobs, and starving artists
So, this is what my final fin de semana (weekend) looked like:
Saturday
John and I are supposed to meet at the front bridge of the town at 5:50 in the morning to catch a bus to a prison about 2 hours away, to take photos and videos of this guy who is making hammocks for the fair trade stuff that our program is going to sell back in Canada (via fair trade parties hosted by people such as myself and Jenna!). So, I get up at 4 in the morning, thinking that i will take a shower before we leave, as we are supposed to go to the prison, come back, and then directly get on a shuttle bus with the others and head for this gigantic garbage dump where thousands of people live in poverty, and I figure I'm going to want to be slightly less disgusting at the beginning of the day...but then i realize, hey, it's 4 in the morning, it's pitch black, and there is no way i'm showering in my cement hole in the dark...so, i remain dirty.
Entonces, John, Myself, his spanish teacher (who knows the dude we are visiting in prison) and Anna Julia, the local baker-ess, and mother to Nick and Cam, head off on our adventure, and 2 buses and 2 hours later, (after witnessing a woman getting goat milk squirted fresh from the teet into her coffee cup, and having the feeling that more and more we were surrounded on the bus by potential prostitutes heading for the prison) we were standing outside the prison doors while a guard told our guatemalan companions that they did not recieve the letter of permission to allow us into the prison with our cameras, PLUS it was women's only day and so even without cameras, john was not allowed in...Now, this prison is pretty much in the jungle, at the end of a dirt road. There is a line up of hooched up women coming to see their men, and then there is john and I, with all our camera equipment, not knowing whether to hop on the next bus (as at this point we were quite sure there was no way we were getting back on time to meet the group for the dump) but instead, we waited it out, and lo and behold, determined Anna Julia got us in, but by very bizzare circumstances...
She said we were from her church, and that she knew the pastor (which was true) that worked at the prison, and that we were coming in to hold a worship service...who the heck knows why we'd need our camera stuff for that...but it worked! However, we actually DID have to hold a worship service, and so, as soon as we got into this prison, we were wisked off to the church building, a little shack in the middle of no where, where teh pastor spoke on goodness knows what for about 5 minutes (through a very loud microphone, i might add, as is customary for churches here...even if you don't go to church, you pretty much here every single church service within 50 miles) and then all of a sudden, he made john come up and say a few things on the microphone as well! Afterwards, Anna Julia sang a worship song into the microphone, and our duty was done. We could now move on to why we were REALLY there.
So, the most bizarre part of this whole experience was the prison itself...Although it was enclosed by two sets of barbed wire fences, once inside, the prison was virtually it's own villiage. People owned tiendas (small convenience stores), people were cooking and selling things on the streets, everything was open, no real enclosed spaces at all. There was a giant football field where men with matching jerseys were playing an intense game of soccer. People's families actually lived in the prison with them, and during the day, there were small little shacks where the families would all hang out (and all furniture was entirely hammocks, because there were no real floors to be had) and at night the prisoners would return to their cells to sleep, and the families, i'm assuming, would go elsewhere to sleep as well. There were small acres of corn and other vegetables that people would tend to, and a large open rec-room area full of foozeball and pool and restauarant-type areas...it was un-real. If i ever have to go to jail, may it be in Guatemala...
So, we had a great time getting a tour of this not-so-prisony-prison, and hopped back on the bus, knowing full well at this point that we had missed the shuttle, but we resolved to make the most of our day, and headed back to Tizate, where I showered and John ate, and headed back into Antigua, where we had a great day full of icecream and exploring the market. Later that night, we met up with everyone at Juliana's GIGANTIC HOUSE where we had pizza and home made pie, and where Andrew and I promptly had ridiculous amounts of fun using excercise equipment at the same time and finding ways to climb out onto the rooftops of julian's house, and reveling in the phrase "pop and piss" for quite some time.
SUNDAY
I don't quite have enough time to explain everything that happened sunday, but it involved art galleries and taking photos of beautiful doors with Jenna, and finding this new cafe called "cafe no se" (cafe don't know) where the menus had bob dylan on the front, and bob marley on the back, and this beautiful starving artist played random songs on the guitar right in front of us. John and I were inspired by his mullet-hawk, and so last night I cut the same hairstyle for John with the ever so popular safety sisscors. Talking to this "starving artist" later when he was done his "set", we learned he was from california, and the love of his life had just gone back to Austria to start med school, and he was supposed to go back to California to start med school as well, but had decided to screw it and start working at that cafe the next morning....an attention seeker for sure, but interesting nonetheless. We then had a chat outside with a just as beautiful australian boy who worked at the cafe as well and was trying to help sell books from the attatched bookshop next door...He had come to Antigua a few weeks ago, and while frequenting another restaurant, was offered a job there, and then, just that day, cafe no se had needed more staff to help out, and so, ta da, he gets another job. I don't know how people just live day to day like that, but I sure would love to know more of them...
I'm sorry I never post photos anymore, it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience...ooooo, one of the spanish teachers just came in and told me that my spanish teacher is not here today because her kid is sick...score? sorta?
Ok ok, so i have more time to finish this post. Last night, before the hair-cutting and watching "The Last King of Scotland"(in a very uncomfortable position as we tried to squish 7 people on a single bed) we had a birthday party for my brother Anderson (who turns SIX in a few days, but we'll be gone by then). We all piled in to their relatively small kitchen and played silly games and laughed at Diana, my youngest sister, being an absolute mental, like normal. It was a happy, loving environment that night, and it just made me love my host family more, if that is even possible.
Certainly a wonderful last weekend. Yo quiero Guatemala. Pero, yo pienso es tiempo para regresso a Canada. Es una bizzare sentir, yo quiero esta aqui, pero a mi me gusta Canada tambien...ridiculo.
*side note, john and i figured out that basically we only need to use about 9 verbs here in guatemala: want, need, like, have, go, eat, sleep, buy, say, think. h'amazing.
Saturday
John and I are supposed to meet at the front bridge of the town at 5:50 in the morning to catch a bus to a prison about 2 hours away, to take photos and videos of this guy who is making hammocks for the fair trade stuff that our program is going to sell back in Canada (via fair trade parties hosted by people such as myself and Jenna!). So, I get up at 4 in the morning, thinking that i will take a shower before we leave, as we are supposed to go to the prison, come back, and then directly get on a shuttle bus with the others and head for this gigantic garbage dump where thousands of people live in poverty, and I figure I'm going to want to be slightly less disgusting at the beginning of the day...but then i realize, hey, it's 4 in the morning, it's pitch black, and there is no way i'm showering in my cement hole in the dark...so, i remain dirty.
Entonces, John, Myself, his spanish teacher (who knows the dude we are visiting in prison) and Anna Julia, the local baker-ess, and mother to Nick and Cam, head off on our adventure, and 2 buses and 2 hours later, (after witnessing a woman getting goat milk squirted fresh from the teet into her coffee cup, and having the feeling that more and more we were surrounded on the bus by potential prostitutes heading for the prison) we were standing outside the prison doors while a guard told our guatemalan companions that they did not recieve the letter of permission to allow us into the prison with our cameras, PLUS it was women's only day and so even without cameras, john was not allowed in...Now, this prison is pretty much in the jungle, at the end of a dirt road. There is a line up of hooched up women coming to see their men, and then there is john and I, with all our camera equipment, not knowing whether to hop on the next bus (as at this point we were quite sure there was no way we were getting back on time to meet the group for the dump) but instead, we waited it out, and lo and behold, determined Anna Julia got us in, but by very bizzare circumstances...
She said we were from her church, and that she knew the pastor (which was true) that worked at the prison, and that we were coming in to hold a worship service...who the heck knows why we'd need our camera stuff for that...but it worked! However, we actually DID have to hold a worship service, and so, as soon as we got into this prison, we were wisked off to the church building, a little shack in the middle of no where, where teh pastor spoke on goodness knows what for about 5 minutes (through a very loud microphone, i might add, as is customary for churches here...even if you don't go to church, you pretty much here every single church service within 50 miles) and then all of a sudden, he made john come up and say a few things on the microphone as well! Afterwards, Anna Julia sang a worship song into the microphone, and our duty was done. We could now move on to why we were REALLY there.
So, the most bizarre part of this whole experience was the prison itself...Although it was enclosed by two sets of barbed wire fences, once inside, the prison was virtually it's own villiage. People owned tiendas (small convenience stores), people were cooking and selling things on the streets, everything was open, no real enclosed spaces at all. There was a giant football field where men with matching jerseys were playing an intense game of soccer. People's families actually lived in the prison with them, and during the day, there were small little shacks where the families would all hang out (and all furniture was entirely hammocks, because there were no real floors to be had) and at night the prisoners would return to their cells to sleep, and the families, i'm assuming, would go elsewhere to sleep as well. There were small acres of corn and other vegetables that people would tend to, and a large open rec-room area full of foozeball and pool and restauarant-type areas...it was un-real. If i ever have to go to jail, may it be in Guatemala...
So, we had a great time getting a tour of this not-so-prisony-prison, and hopped back on the bus, knowing full well at this point that we had missed the shuttle, but we resolved to make the most of our day, and headed back to Tizate, where I showered and John ate, and headed back into Antigua, where we had a great day full of icecream and exploring the market. Later that night, we met up with everyone at Juliana's GIGANTIC HOUSE where we had pizza and home made pie, and where Andrew and I promptly had ridiculous amounts of fun using excercise equipment at the same time and finding ways to climb out onto the rooftops of julian's house, and reveling in the phrase "pop and piss" for quite some time.
SUNDAY
I don't quite have enough time to explain everything that happened sunday, but it involved art galleries and taking photos of beautiful doors with Jenna, and finding this new cafe called "cafe no se" (cafe don't know) where the menus had bob dylan on the front, and bob marley on the back, and this beautiful starving artist played random songs on the guitar right in front of us. John and I were inspired by his mullet-hawk, and so last night I cut the same hairstyle for John with the ever so popular safety sisscors. Talking to this "starving artist" later when he was done his "set", we learned he was from california, and the love of his life had just gone back to Austria to start med school, and he was supposed to go back to California to start med school as well, but had decided to screw it and start working at that cafe the next morning....an attention seeker for sure, but interesting nonetheless. We then had a chat outside with a just as beautiful australian boy who worked at the cafe as well and was trying to help sell books from the attatched bookshop next door...He had come to Antigua a few weeks ago, and while frequenting another restaurant, was offered a job there, and then, just that day, cafe no se had needed more staff to help out, and so, ta da, he gets another job. I don't know how people just live day to day like that, but I sure would love to know more of them...
I'm sorry I never post photos anymore, it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience...ooooo, one of the spanish teachers just came in and told me that my spanish teacher is not here today because her kid is sick...score? sorta?
Ok ok, so i have more time to finish this post. Last night, before the hair-cutting and watching "The Last King of Scotland"(in a very uncomfortable position as we tried to squish 7 people on a single bed) we had a birthday party for my brother Anderson (who turns SIX in a few days, but we'll be gone by then). We all piled in to their relatively small kitchen and played silly games and laughed at Diana, my youngest sister, being an absolute mental, like normal. It was a happy, loving environment that night, and it just made me love my host family more, if that is even possible.
Certainly a wonderful last weekend. Yo quiero Guatemala. Pero, yo pienso es tiempo para regresso a Canada. Es una bizzare sentir, yo quiero esta aqui, pero a mi me gusta Canada tambien...ridiculo.
*side note, john and i figured out that basically we only need to use about 9 verbs here in guatemala: want, need, like, have, go, eat, sleep, buy, say, think. h'amazing.
Friday, August 17, 2007
I'd rather be a fool
When we focus more on knowledge of God than on just loving God, we lose him.
We lose him in between the pages of theology textbooks.
We lose him behind the stacks of new-wave Christian writers.
We lose him in the endless debates about which denomination is more correct than the other.
We lose him in the ponderings over which translation of the Bible is more historically accurate.
We lose him in the pride that comes with being able to spit out Bible verses like they are the A B C's.
We find him in the times when we notice how three different coloured leaves have landed symetrically next to each other on an abandoned tire.
We find him when we look into the eyes of another and somehow know what they are thinking.
We find him in the moments that we desire to give physical affection to another person so badly we feel pained when we must let go of them.
We find him when the sunset seems so beautiful tears sting our eyes, and the pain reminds us that we haven't cried in a long time, and we wonder how it is that a tear is not shed daily for the glory of the Lord.
We find God in love.
I would rather be a foolish girl,
dancing in the streets, wrestling with a 5 year old, running through the streets in a rainstorm, showering under a drainpipe, wearing half a moustache, admiring people on the bus, putting flowers in my hair, hugging and laughing and biting..
than have all the knowledge of Christianity the world can offer.
We lose him in between the pages of theology textbooks.
We lose him behind the stacks of new-wave Christian writers.
We lose him in the endless debates about which denomination is more correct than the other.
We lose him in the ponderings over which translation of the Bible is more historically accurate.
We lose him in the pride that comes with being able to spit out Bible verses like they are the A B C's.
We find him in the times when we notice how three different coloured leaves have landed symetrically next to each other on an abandoned tire.
We find him when we look into the eyes of another and somehow know what they are thinking.
We find him in the moments that we desire to give physical affection to another person so badly we feel pained when we must let go of them.
We find him when the sunset seems so beautiful tears sting our eyes, and the pain reminds us that we haven't cried in a long time, and we wonder how it is that a tear is not shed daily for the glory of the Lord.
We find God in love.
I would rather be a foolish girl,
dancing in the streets, wrestling with a 5 year old, running through the streets in a rainstorm, showering under a drainpipe, wearing half a moustache, admiring people on the bus, putting flowers in my hair, hugging and laughing and biting..
than have all the knowledge of Christianity the world can offer.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Don't worry my darling, the sun is coming out
So, I've got 8 days left. I must put the Golden Dogs on my Ipod on hold to write something coherent here.
In the past few weeks, I've been:
angry,
heartbroken,
inspired,
loved,
deliriously happy,
and constipated.
More and more my thoughts turn to Toronto and my plans for the fall. Everything is up in the air, yet I have faith that this next section of my life will be just as eventfull as the last 4 months.
I find it amazing how life simply transitions itself from one thing to the next. One day I will be here, in Guatemala, wrestling on the floor after dinner with the most beautiful children in the world, and the next day I will be back in Ontario in my small room at the Ark, wondering how in the world I am going to leave the 12 people whom I've spent every day with for the last 4 months. And then, suddenly, that will end too, and I'll be potentially moving in to a new home with people I don't know, and that too will end up being a situation I'll feel deeply attatched to.
I wonder what it feels like to settle down.
In the rental van the other day on the way home from Semuc Champei (our destination for our weekend off), a tropical, jungle-like place with clear water pools and dozens of small waterfalls which Kris and I spent the day climbing up, and likewise found some rocks to climb up and jump off of AND which also had this sweet cave tour where Nick, myself, Steph, Dale and Cam had to swim through an underground cave holding only candles in our hands for light while we did things like climb up waterfalls and jump off rocks into dark unknown pools....amazing....but i digress...back to the discussion...
So yeah, we were talking about love, and there were different opinions expressed throughout the short-lived convorsation, but some things that stuck out to me were this:
Kris saying he knew he loved Char because when he was around her, he just felt like he HAD to tell her that he loved her, as if love needs to proffess itself whether the person wants to or not.
Interesting.
Nick saying that love cannot rely on romance or feelings, because neither are constant...Interesting tambien.
What then ARE we to base love on if not feelings? Is love more than a feeling? Is love more of a knowledge? Is love a surrender? I used to think I had love all figured out, and certainly I know how to SHOW love to people, but I have lost the ability to know if I am in love or not...perhaps it is only because I am not in love, or that the people that I could love are not in love with me?
And as much as I seem to like romance, I find more and more that romance just freaks me out, and that what I really want is someone to make me laugh, someone to inspire me, someone who is as much in love with life as I am. Life and God give me all the romance I can handle. I want someone who wants to share in the romance that we've already been given...yeah, that sounds about right. There is nothing new under the sun...no songs that could be sung to me, no flowers that could be given to me, no fancy dinners that have not been eaten before. And so, may my life be filled with the un-ordinary, a new type of romance that does not feed off the set standards, but creates its own, and revels in the simplicit beauty that we've already been freely given to enjoy together.
In the past few weeks, I've been:
angry,
heartbroken,
inspired,
loved,
deliriously happy,
and constipated.
More and more my thoughts turn to Toronto and my plans for the fall. Everything is up in the air, yet I have faith that this next section of my life will be just as eventfull as the last 4 months.
I find it amazing how life simply transitions itself from one thing to the next. One day I will be here, in Guatemala, wrestling on the floor after dinner with the most beautiful children in the world, and the next day I will be back in Ontario in my small room at the Ark, wondering how in the world I am going to leave the 12 people whom I've spent every day with for the last 4 months. And then, suddenly, that will end too, and I'll be potentially moving in to a new home with people I don't know, and that too will end up being a situation I'll feel deeply attatched to.
I wonder what it feels like to settle down.
In the rental van the other day on the way home from Semuc Champei (our destination for our weekend off), a tropical, jungle-like place with clear water pools and dozens of small waterfalls which Kris and I spent the day climbing up, and likewise found some rocks to climb up and jump off of AND which also had this sweet cave tour where Nick, myself, Steph, Dale and Cam had to swim through an underground cave holding only candles in our hands for light while we did things like climb up waterfalls and jump off rocks into dark unknown pools....amazing....but i digress...back to the discussion...
So yeah, we were talking about love, and there were different opinions expressed throughout the short-lived convorsation, but some things that stuck out to me were this:
Kris saying he knew he loved Char because when he was around her, he just felt like he HAD to tell her that he loved her, as if love needs to proffess itself whether the person wants to or not.
Interesting.
Nick saying that love cannot rely on romance or feelings, because neither are constant...Interesting tambien.
What then ARE we to base love on if not feelings? Is love more than a feeling? Is love more of a knowledge? Is love a surrender? I used to think I had love all figured out, and certainly I know how to SHOW love to people, but I have lost the ability to know if I am in love or not...perhaps it is only because I am not in love, or that the people that I could love are not in love with me?
And as much as I seem to like romance, I find more and more that romance just freaks me out, and that what I really want is someone to make me laugh, someone to inspire me, someone who is as much in love with life as I am. Life and God give me all the romance I can handle. I want someone who wants to share in the romance that we've already been given...yeah, that sounds about right. There is nothing new under the sun...no songs that could be sung to me, no flowers that could be given to me, no fancy dinners that have not been eaten before. And so, may my life be filled with the un-ordinary, a new type of romance that does not feed off the set standards, but creates its own, and revels in the simplicit beauty that we've already been freely given to enjoy together.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
A lovely weekend/ a really long post.
So, a lot has occured since my last post. I've been trying not to write about it because I wanted pictures off of other people's cameras, but clearly I am too unorganized to wait around for that to happen.
Last weekend, the boys surprized us with a girls appreciation day/night. Originally, we were told to meet the boys in Antigua at this Ice Cream shop at 2pm, where they were going to buy us icecream and hang out for a bit. We figured this would take maybe an hour. However, when we all finally arrived at the ice cream shop, we were greeted with John actually BEHIND the counter with the other workers! So then I figured, ok, John is just being cute and serving us the ice cream, but no no, he hands us ice cream cones filled with encouragement notes and a riddle to figure out our next destination and then bolts. We quickly realized we were on a scavenger hunt of some sort, and in fact at first I thought it was some sort of race, so I literally ran to our next location for fear of "elimination". However, when I arrived and found Andrew, he told me elimination was voluntary along the way.
So, we made our way around the city, finding boy after boy in different locations (although i should mention that when it came to the clue where Nick was, which entailed telling us that he was at an old ruined church, there are MANY old ruined churches, and we went to every stinking one of them before finding him at the very FIRST one that we went to, which we thought was closed...). Ashley and I opted for a double date with Kris, which consisted of pre-bought white sombrero-y tourist-y type hats (which we wore for the rest of the day), liquados (smoothies) and a horse and buggy ride around the city. Magical. Each of the other girls got their own individual dates with the other boys, some consisting of making and handing out sandwiches to homeless people, others consisting of being serenaded by violin in a cigar shop. The day was just wonderful.
To top it all off, the boys that week had gotten us girls to do small video clips to say hello to Robert and Carolyn and Dan back home on the farm in Canada, which we thought were going be collaborated into a nice little video to be posted on You Tube. Well, that vision is still happening, however, they ALSO made a second video, one in which they dubbed over our voices with their own and had us saying ridiculous things, along with their own individual clips of memories that they have of us (weather those memories were REAL or not is another story), and also interviewed one person in the town who is close to us to say some nice things about us. This video will be up soon.
So, that was last weekend. Yesterday, our spanish teachers and the girls got up early and took a 7 o clock bus to this place called Chimaltenango, or as I call it "chicki chicki mango" to wander around an animal market. It sounded like fun, but I could not have anticipated it would be a place where I would take some of the best photos of my life. I don't have time to post them now because I've got a photography student sitting next to me right now colouring, so I have to go.
However, let me end with this: Last night, John, Jenna, Nick and I took photos against one of the newly painted walls of my room (Jenna, Steph and I are painting a room in my families house as a present...full of vines and roses and beauty) and then we finished watching "Motorcycle Diaries", a movie I had always wanted to see but always thought it had Freddy Prince Junior in it, so I figured it wasn't worth watching. Now I know it is one of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen, and was enthralled with from start to finish. After having a spanish lesson with the girls on Che Guavera last week, and having convorsations with Nick before on his time in a leper colony, I can't imagine a better movie to watch at this point in my life. Amazing.
More pictures to come!
Last weekend, the boys surprized us with a girls appreciation day/night. Originally, we were told to meet the boys in Antigua at this Ice Cream shop at 2pm, where they were going to buy us icecream and hang out for a bit. We figured this would take maybe an hour. However, when we all finally arrived at the ice cream shop, we were greeted with John actually BEHIND the counter with the other workers! So then I figured, ok, John is just being cute and serving us the ice cream, but no no, he hands us ice cream cones filled with encouragement notes and a riddle to figure out our next destination and then bolts. We quickly realized we were on a scavenger hunt of some sort, and in fact at first I thought it was some sort of race, so I literally ran to our next location for fear of "elimination". However, when I arrived and found Andrew, he told me elimination was voluntary along the way.
So, we made our way around the city, finding boy after boy in different locations (although i should mention that when it came to the clue where Nick was, which entailed telling us that he was at an old ruined church, there are MANY old ruined churches, and we went to every stinking one of them before finding him at the very FIRST one that we went to, which we thought was closed...). Ashley and I opted for a double date with Kris, which consisted of pre-bought white sombrero-y tourist-y type hats (which we wore for the rest of the day), liquados (smoothies) and a horse and buggy ride around the city. Magical. Each of the other girls got their own individual dates with the other boys, some consisting of making and handing out sandwiches to homeless people, others consisting of being serenaded by violin in a cigar shop. The day was just wonderful.
To top it all off, the boys that week had gotten us girls to do small video clips to say hello to Robert and Carolyn and Dan back home on the farm in Canada, which we thought were going be collaborated into a nice little video to be posted on You Tube. Well, that vision is still happening, however, they ALSO made a second video, one in which they dubbed over our voices with their own and had us saying ridiculous things, along with their own individual clips of memories that they have of us (weather those memories were REAL or not is another story), and also interviewed one person in the town who is close to us to say some nice things about us. This video will be up soon.
So, that was last weekend. Yesterday, our spanish teachers and the girls got up early and took a 7 o clock bus to this place called Chimaltenango, or as I call it "chicki chicki mango" to wander around an animal market. It sounded like fun, but I could not have anticipated it would be a place where I would take some of the best photos of my life. I don't have time to post them now because I've got a photography student sitting next to me right now colouring, so I have to go.
However, let me end with this: Last night, John, Jenna, Nick and I took photos against one of the newly painted walls of my room (Jenna, Steph and I are painting a room in my families house as a present...full of vines and roses and beauty) and then we finished watching "Motorcycle Diaries", a movie I had always wanted to see but always thought it had Freddy Prince Junior in it, so I figured it wasn't worth watching. Now I know it is one of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen, and was enthralled with from start to finish. After having a spanish lesson with the girls on Che Guavera last week, and having convorsations with Nick before on his time in a leper colony, I can't imagine a better movie to watch at this point in my life. Amazing.
More pictures to come!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
"Flowers" By Anne Michaels, from "The Weight of Oranges"
If there is one other person to affect my heart and my thoughts other than Jesus, may it be this woman...
There's another skin inside my skin
that gathers to your touch, a lake to the light;
that looses its memory, its lost language
into your tongue,
erasing me into newness.
Just when the body thinks it knows
the ways of knowing itself,
this second skin continues to answer.
In the street - café chairs abandoned
on terraces; market stalls emptied
of their solid light,
though pavement still breathes
summer grapes and peaches.
Like the light of anything that grows
from this newly-turned earth,
every tip of me gathers under your touch,
wind wrapping my dress around our legs,
your shirt twisting to flowers in my fists.
There's another skin inside my skin
that gathers to your touch, a lake to the light;
that looses its memory, its lost language
into your tongue,
erasing me into newness.
Just when the body thinks it knows
the ways of knowing itself,
this second skin continues to answer.
In the street - café chairs abandoned
on terraces; market stalls emptied
of their solid light,
though pavement still breathes
summer grapes and peaches.
Like the light of anything that grows
from this newly-turned earth,
every tip of me gathers under your touch,
wind wrapping my dress around our legs,
your shirt twisting to flowers in my fists.
A cup can only spill what it contains--mewithoutyou
Don't sacrifice the girl for the sake of the woman.
As John, Jenna and I were taking video and photos of a local artisan to be used for the fair trade parties in the fall, John mentioned how the guy that is editing these photos said that in your shot, you must always have movement, because no one wants to see a still shot, no matter how beautiful it might be.
I disagreed, and told jenna so as we were sewing patches and buttons onto table napkins-turned-bandeezees. I say this because all I desire to do in life is capture moments; to take a photo and make that particular moment in time last forever. I do not remember in terms of motion, only in terms of particular moments in time; a smile, a touch, the way the sun hits the angles of someone's face, the way someone's eyes say more than their mouth, the angle of a body as someone is reading, the way someone's hair smells after they shower. These are what I will remember.
As John, Jenna and I were taking video and photos of a local artisan to be used for the fair trade parties in the fall, John mentioned how the guy that is editing these photos said that in your shot, you must always have movement, because no one wants to see a still shot, no matter how beautiful it might be.
I disagreed, and told jenna so as we were sewing patches and buttons onto table napkins-turned-bandeezees. I say this because all I desire to do in life is capture moments; to take a photo and make that particular moment in time last forever. I do not remember in terms of motion, only in terms of particular moments in time; a smile, a touch, the way the sun hits the angles of someone's face, the way someone's eyes say more than their mouth, the angle of a body as someone is reading, the way someone's hair smells after they shower. These are what I will remember.
Friday, July 27, 2007
A Bueno day
On Wednesday, as I sat down beside Annie, my spanish teacher from 8 to 10:30 in the morning, she told me that there was a big festival and parade going on that day in Antigua. I said I wish we could go, to which she replied, "we can, right now! just ask your friends!" and so, clearly we vamosed our butts over to antigua for probably one of the best days I've ever had here.
Something you must know is that I absolutely adore my spanish teacher. She is radiant and bubbly and loving and spontaneous, and come tomorrow, I will be giving her daughter photography lessons, for she is also an absolute gem.
Anyways, we started our day in Antigua perusing this huge stand of books, old and new, historical and comical, all displayed beneath this giant old building. I purchased a spanish dream interpretation book and also some kind of spanish romance book, which I bought soley for its cover, and a book of herbal remedies. Jenna bought a book of poetry, called "a simple life" or something to that effect, which the other day we spent half our spanish lesson collectively reading to each other...it had a lot of butterflies in it if I remember correctly.
So, back to Antigua...as we were looking at the books, a blast of music errupted from these huge speakers in the street, making everyone jump, and soon jenna and I were dancing in the street while locals laughed and two caterers with big huge white bakery hats spurred us on from their nearby van. I felt intrinsically a part of something beautiful in that moment, and I will remember it always.
As the parade started, filled with many a marching band which Jenna became instantly enamoured of, Annie pointed to an upper balcony on the building with the books, and said "arriba!"(indicating, "let's go up there!") and began to push her way through the throngs of people to get back to the book area,jenna and her teacher close behind and then quickly found the stairs that lead up to the balcony, where we had a full view of all the festivities. Once the owners of the building kicked the handful of us sneakies out of the balcony area, Annie made sure we always had front row views of everything that was going on, and I got some pretty amazing shots, which I shall now display for your viewing pleasure.
I can't explain to you how alive I felt that day. Sure, I was a tourist taking photos of a culture I can barely comprehend, but yet, I was laughing and joking with Annie in Spanish, being embraced by her, and felt that I was not as foreign from these people and this place as language barriers and cultural differences would make us believe we are. We were all just people, under the same sun, loving the same way, enjoying the same things. *I appologize in advance for the poor organization of these photos below, I'm far too lazy to make them look sweet right now.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Skeptic vs Spectacle
As I swept leaves from the floors of the Casa Verde and listened to Me without You, a poem crept into my brain:
the difference between you and me (yes, i know "you and me" is not grammatically correct)
is that whereas I sweep
you merely critique on the dirt I've left behind
the difference
between you and me
is that while I dance in the streets
you tap your toes in your seat
the difference between
you
and me
is that while I'm giving love in the form of a kiss on the cheek
you scoff at the word and ponder its meaning
the difference between you
and I
is that while we listen to the same song
I listen to it ten times, while you're eager to pass it by
the difference between
you and me
is the space between an embrace of akward distant relatives
and that of love struck teens
the difference between you
and
I
is that while my eyes are overflowing
yours are dry
while I drink velvet
you drink rye
the difference between you and me (yes, i know "you and me" is not grammatically correct)
is that whereas I sweep
you merely critique on the dirt I've left behind
the difference
between you and me
is that while I dance in the streets
you tap your toes in your seat
the difference between
you
and me
is that while I'm giving love in the form of a kiss on the cheek
you scoff at the word and ponder its meaning
the difference between you
and I
is that while we listen to the same song
I listen to it ten times, while you're eager to pass it by
the difference between
you and me
is the space between an embrace of akward distant relatives
and that of love struck teens
the difference between you
and
I
is that while my eyes are overflowing
yours are dry
while I drink velvet
you drink rye
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The Earth Lodge *edited for clarity*
*As Jon read my blog, and as I re-read my blog, I realized I didn't even mention who went on this trip, and therefore, when I talk about how "one of them is going to slap me", clearly it only makes sense if I tell you that it was Jenna, myself, Nick and John on this particular trip, and therefore Nick and John are the slappers in question. * Here's a little taste of what my weekend off looked like. The Earth Lodge is a little slice of heaven, snuggled in the mountains and volcanoes just outside of Antigua. We only had to travel about 40 minutes to get there from El Tizate, half the trip being us in the back of a faded yellow pickup t
ruck as we rounded endless bends on our asscent up the mountain slopes. Apparently last year there were no paved roads, but this year it seems there has been more development, and so most of the roads were cement. I've got a video of our ride up, but I have no idea if I can figure out how to put it on here...but reader's digest version: John describing antigua in a nasal-y british accent, and nick spitting his gum out at me.
So, back to the descriptions of the Earth Lodge. From the convorsations I had this weekend, I now know the following: It's run by a Canadian couple, Drew and Brianna, who started this place
about 4 years ago, with the help of a business partner who had previously purchased this land and was just waiting for the economy to pick up and have someone actually do something with it. Aside from the half dozen or so cottages that they rent out, they also have an avocado farm, which, if you so choose, you can work on to earn your room and board. Pretty frigging amazing. There is this dude from Israel who apparently had only just arrived last year when Jenna was there before, and he has just stayed on indefinately. One of my favorite memories was him and this other "friendly as advertised" tattoo artist/ jewelery maker coming out of the brush with machetes, looking like some kind of amazon men.
As I mentioned on Facebook, Jenna and I spent our nights in the one and only "tree house" avaiable at the earth lodge. We 
had to walk up these long winding steps to get to our casa de las arboles, and once we marvelled at the view of the mountains and volcanoes and the entire city of antigua on our little deck with a hammock, we opened the small, oddly shaped door and stepped into a room where litterally one entire wall was just windows looking out onto a green paradise.
(yes, this is Jenna reading my favorite book ever, Fugitive Pieces. I think if Jenna and I rant about this novel anymore, one of them might actually smack us. Also, they had Fugitive Pieces at the Earth Lodge in 
their selection of books, and this made me quite happy). Although the boys were quite tired, and at times I felt like a little sister trying to make her big brother play with her, all and all it was a fantastic weekend full of reading in hammocks or on muskoka chairs, swinging on this fantastic rope swing that made you feel like you were swinging over the entire earth, and lots of managing to fit four people in a tiny bed to read or nap or watch movies, most of the time by candlelight. One of the other best parts of this weekend was my HOT SHOWER! yes, it's true, normally, I shower in a cement box, in the dark, with cold water...which makes me highly promote water conservation in the form of only showering every three days. But this weekend, for 5Q, I got to have a big huge friggin hot shower all to myself. bliss...other than the water pressure was pretty much like a wet dog shaking itself overtop of my head...
So, all in all, I'd say this is a pretty frigging amazing missions trip. Also, I'd say that if you are a cheapskate, come to Guatemala, as this entire weekend cost me about 40 bucks. Also, after a sweet convo with Ash and Jenna in bed last night, I'm thinking I need to rethink my entire career path...more on that later.
Monday, July 23, 2007
It's raining...and I'm homesick
It's raining and I am alone in this office, listening to Andrew and Kat teach a handful of adults simple english phrases. i have left the "community night" which consists mostly of kids coming in and out, asking for extra helpings of the cake Anna Julia has prepared in order to take them home to their families. I have just written a bunch of emails to people I miss, and I sit here missing them still.
I just want to say to everyone at home that you are wonderful, amazing and fantastic. There are so many moments here that I wish you could be here for, to laugh with, to cry with, to run around like crazy people with. I thank God for the incredibly passionate, incredibly talented, and just all around beautiful people he has placed in my life back home.
I am overwhelmed with the anticipation of coming home and starting a new life for myself. Before I left, a few of us had started a small group to feel more connected with each other, and in the fall, if all goes according to plan, I will be living out my dreams further by moving into an appartment with the lovely and inspiring Jenna Kessler. My desire for community living will be taken that one step further, and I really hope that lethargy does not once again overshadow the passion that God has placed in me.
A last thought: despite the poverty of this place, there is something beautiful in simplicity. I am greeted every night by three smiling, wonderful children, eager to jump on my back and tickle me and none of them ever seem to have a care in the world. They are fed and clothed and have a roof over their head. They are quite content to play with marbles or old toys, and the lack of video games and (well, they DO have tv, but aren't glued to it) other mindless activities simply leads them to spend more time with their parents, or more time with eachother, and I think that is beautiful. Flor, my "mom", who is actually only 25, and her husband Byron, both seem quite content, people who love their children, keep their house clean, and provide love for each other, their family members, and some random white girls living on their second floor ;).
What more does a person need than love and the basics?
I just want to say to everyone at home that you are wonderful, amazing and fantastic. There are so many moments here that I wish you could be here for, to laugh with, to cry with, to run around like crazy people with. I thank God for the incredibly passionate, incredibly talented, and just all around beautiful people he has placed in my life back home.
I am overwhelmed with the anticipation of coming home and starting a new life for myself. Before I left, a few of us had started a small group to feel more connected with each other, and in the fall, if all goes according to plan, I will be living out my dreams further by moving into an appartment with the lovely and inspiring Jenna Kessler. My desire for community living will be taken that one step further, and I really hope that lethargy does not once again overshadow the passion that God has placed in me.
A last thought: despite the poverty of this place, there is something beautiful in simplicity. I am greeted every night by three smiling, wonderful children, eager to jump on my back and tickle me and none of them ever seem to have a care in the world. They are fed and clothed and have a roof over their head. They are quite content to play with marbles or old toys, and the lack of video games and (well, they DO have tv, but aren't glued to it) other mindless activities simply leads them to spend more time with their parents, or more time with eachother, and I think that is beautiful. Flor, my "mom", who is actually only 25, and her husband Byron, both seem quite content, people who love their children, keep their house clean, and provide love for each other, their family members, and some random white girls living on their second floor ;).
What more does a person need than love and the basics?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Verbal Diarhea or a Mind Overflowing
Sometimes, as I ramble off romantic observations about the world, about how Jenna has eyes that you can share a moment with, or about how much I love old ruined buildings because I feel like it is looking at the earth reclaiming what once belonged to her, I wonder if others feel like I am just talking to be heard, or if they feel like I am talking just to fill space.
But truthfully, I have always had a deep longing and a deep passion for shared experiences. If I find something is beautiful, I want someone else to experience that beauty too. I want to know what people think about the world. I want them to know what I think too. I like watching facial expressions during movies. If a joke is told, I find more joy in laughing at other people's laughter than the joke itself. There is nothing I desire more than to just share God's creation with others (and I do not mean in an evangelical way). In my on again off again theological thought that Christians should remain childlike, I remain in a state of constant wonder and awe at the beauty around me. Why should I be ashamed or worried about what others think of my poetic ramblings? What more can I do in life than share my heart, appreciate what God has given me, and inspire others to do the same?
Side note: Jenna, Nick and I spent about 1/2 an hour in a cafe the other day, after Jenna and I had purchased some journals from a shop that makes its own paper. We were sitting at a small stone table next to a fountain with a fish spitting water, and for the first time since I was 11, I saw a hummingbird up close, and was amazed. The three of us sat silently, Nick reading Life of Pi while Jenna and I wrote poetry. Once both of us had finished, we exchanged journals to find that both of us had written poetry about the moment at hand: the sights and sounds happening around us, and I will forever be enamoured of that moment. I am enamoured of moments in general. I make lists of beautiful things, I seem to write only about moments, and care to photograph only in terms of moments. I hope to continue to capture moments throught the summer and share as many of them with you as i can.
But truthfully, I have always had a deep longing and a deep passion for shared experiences. If I find something is beautiful, I want someone else to experience that beauty too. I want to know what people think about the world. I want them to know what I think too. I like watching facial expressions during movies. If a joke is told, I find more joy in laughing at other people's laughter than the joke itself. There is nothing I desire more than to just share God's creation with others (and I do not mean in an evangelical way). In my on again off again theological thought that Christians should remain childlike, I remain in a state of constant wonder and awe at the beauty around me. Why should I be ashamed or worried about what others think of my poetic ramblings? What more can I do in life than share my heart, appreciate what God has given me, and inspire others to do the same?
Side note: Jenna, Nick and I spent about 1/2 an hour in a cafe the other day, after Jenna and I had purchased some journals from a shop that makes its own paper. We were sitting at a small stone table next to a fountain with a fish spitting water, and for the first time since I was 11, I saw a hummingbird up close, and was amazed. The three of us sat silently, Nick reading Life of Pi while Jenna and I wrote poetry. Once both of us had finished, we exchanged journals to find that both of us had written poetry about the moment at hand: the sights and sounds happening around us, and I will forever be enamoured of that moment. I am enamoured of moments in general. I make lists of beautiful things, I seem to write only about moments, and care to photograph only in terms of moments. I hope to continue to capture moments throught the summer and share as many of them with you as i can.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Me encanto me vira
Ola mi amigos! Well, I have made it safely to Guatemala, and have not yet experienced travellers diarhea, so pretty much I can't complain. Let me give you a taste of my life.
I am living with the most beautiful children ever.
From left to right: Diana, Anderson and Heidi are now Steph and My sisters and brother. Yesterday, we had a music party in our front hall. There is not an unpleasant child in sight.
Steph and I share a room on the second floor, where each of us have a huge bed to ourselves, which last night we pushed together and a few others joined us for a candle-lit, folk music hang out time. We've got a great big blue glass-stained window, which on several occasions has been used by boys to get our attention, which makes us feel quite like princesses.
Today we had our first actual community activity, an art carnival for all the kids in the villiage. Jenna and I will be running art programs every saturday, and tuesdays and thursdays for the older kids. Here's a taste of what that looked like!
This afternoon, we are hiking up into the massive hills to see "Don" Roberto's macadamia farms (Robert is one of the founding members of Global Shores. He's here with us for 2 weeks). I don't know if I'm really up for a hike, but I know I should stop being a girl and just do it.
So, in essence, I am doing wonderfully, learning more spanish every day, and pray that my energy remains as high as it is right now...not going to lie, those big beds make it hard for me to want to be productive....
Saturday, June 30, 2007
My time at the Ark is coming to a close. In less than 3 days, I will be on a crowded plane, trying to act less afraid than I'll feel inside.
John is playing pool by himself Nick and Kris are attempting to re-string Steph's Ukulele. Jenna and Char are talking. Ashley is watching I love Lucy. It seems like a lifetime ago that I arrived here, where everyone was so over-eager to spend time with one another that it felt like a never ending daycare or perpetual recess. But now, here we are, doing are separate activities in the same room, as comfortable as old friends....but likewsie as disinterested, in some respects. How sad it is that we ever stop being in awe of one another as creations fearfully and wonderfully made by God. How sad it is that we do not constantly see one another as works of art, better than any museum or Cathedral ceiling.
(Please note, this next section was written after an intense night of watching Pride and Prejudice. Therefore, it is over-dramatic and over romantic, but hopefully you get something out of it before you vomit)
In anticipating leaving this place, I have a great melancholy that I can't shake. I seem to be the kind of person who misses a place before I have even left it. I get attatched to places and things so much that I always feel like nothing could be better than the life I am experiencing at the present moment. I felt very much like that before I left to come to the ark (my "list of fears" blog sums that up nicely). It's ironic that now I find myself unwilling to leave the place I once feared.
But why should I fear? What have I to fear? Has not God shown me that my fears are always irrational, and that he always provides love and comfort, peace and beauty wherever I find myself? It is a terrible part of the human condition that we fear the unknown; for as Christians, should we not rest assured that the future IS known, and that God has good plans to prosper us and give us a hope and a future? I suppose I fear the unknown despite God's plans because I also understand that although I have a loving God, it is no guarantee that this life will be easy, or "good" in the human sense of the word. Our good is not his good. Our sense of being "loved" is not always his love. Therefore I fear. I fear being pushed out of my cushioned chair and hitting the pavement hard (metaphorically speaking). But who should fear this when they have God's hand to hold?
As this small but significant portion of my life ends, I pray that I do not dwell on the changes taking place here as negative. To be able to flow serenely with the ebb and flow of the tides of change is a virtue surely, one that I wish I was better able to acquire. Places change, people change, relationships change, but God does not change. God's hand does not let go. Therefore, bestill this heart, and bring on the waves.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Page France Inspiration
Yesterday, I was quite distracted while trying to write, and didn't get a chance to touch on some of the other thoughts I've had over the past few weeks, so I will elaborate now.
As I've said, I've been thinking a lot about love; the ways I give it, the ways I expect to recieve it, and the ways God has designed it. In the barn, I have tried my best to get them to play Page France on a regular basis, since clearly they are amazing, and singing their lyrics gives me comfort, often more so than the worship music that is also thrown into the mix, with it's live versions full of people screaming, or it's fast, drum-solo filled version of "in the secret".
A Page France lyric that sent me into a long train of thought was this:
"Love until your hands bleed"
I've obviously heard this lyric before, and contemplated it before perhaps, but it seemed to me so relevant to my thoughts lately that I couldn't help but take special note of it. What does this lyric really mean? What kind of love is required in order to make one's hands bleed? It implies action, it implies physical labour or deeds. It implies loving to the point of suffering, loving to the point of physical pain. It is the suffering of Jesus.
In my life, I have always given and recieved love in specific ways. It normally comes down to things like encouragements/compliments, gifts, touches/hugs, and quality time spent with a person. If I do not recieve those from someone, or if I do not see them portraying those specific things to me or other people, I assume that they know nothing of love, or that they have no idea how to show affection. But I'm starting to realize how wrong this type of thinking is. These types of affection are merely between humans. I limit my ideas of love then to only what humans are able to express in words or physical objects to one another. But as I contemplated loving until your hands bleed, I realized how many other ways people show love in this world, and not simply showing love to one another, but showing love to God.
One thing I have never mastered is a good work ethic. Most things in my life have come easily to me, and when they don't, I simply give up or move on and find something easier. If school had ever really been a struggle, I probably would have given up on it; if music had proven too difficult or time consuming, I surely wouldn't have pursued it like I have. Although I have been told that I have great leadership skills, I have never been given a promotion, and I care very little for my performance in most of the workplaces I've been in. This has never truly concerned me before, until I thought about it in the context of loving God through work.
Can one not show love through their work ethic? A man who suffers through a terrible job without complaint, a person who works hard without rest, a person who endures hardship for long periods of time....these actions have never occured to me to be acts of love before. But now, I see that if they are done out of obedience for God, then surely they are actions filled with love for God, and though they are not outwardly aknowledged, I find more and more that there is a time for outward action/love for God, and a time for inward, secret action/love.
What do I do out of love and obedience for God on a regular basis in secret, away from recogntion, away from reciprocation, away from showing love in a human-to-human kind of way....? Who's approval am I seeking? Could I ever love until my hands bled without complaint?
As I've said, I've been thinking a lot about love; the ways I give it, the ways I expect to recieve it, and the ways God has designed it. In the barn, I have tried my best to get them to play Page France on a regular basis, since clearly they are amazing, and singing their lyrics gives me comfort, often more so than the worship music that is also thrown into the mix, with it's live versions full of people screaming, or it's fast, drum-solo filled version of "in the secret".
A Page France lyric that sent me into a long train of thought was this:
"Love until your hands bleed"
I've obviously heard this lyric before, and contemplated it before perhaps, but it seemed to me so relevant to my thoughts lately that I couldn't help but take special note of it. What does this lyric really mean? What kind of love is required in order to make one's hands bleed? It implies action, it implies physical labour or deeds. It implies loving to the point of suffering, loving to the point of physical pain. It is the suffering of Jesus.
In my life, I have always given and recieved love in specific ways. It normally comes down to things like encouragements/compliments, gifts, touches/hugs, and quality time spent with a person. If I do not recieve those from someone, or if I do not see them portraying those specific things to me or other people, I assume that they know nothing of love, or that they have no idea how to show affection. But I'm starting to realize how wrong this type of thinking is. These types of affection are merely between humans. I limit my ideas of love then to only what humans are able to express in words or physical objects to one another. But as I contemplated loving until your hands bleed, I realized how many other ways people show love in this world, and not simply showing love to one another, but showing love to God.
One thing I have never mastered is a good work ethic. Most things in my life have come easily to me, and when they don't, I simply give up or move on and find something easier. If school had ever really been a struggle, I probably would have given up on it; if music had proven too difficult or time consuming, I surely wouldn't have pursued it like I have. Although I have been told that I have great leadership skills, I have never been given a promotion, and I care very little for my performance in most of the workplaces I've been in. This has never truly concerned me before, until I thought about it in the context of loving God through work.
Can one not show love through their work ethic? A man who suffers through a terrible job without complaint, a person who works hard without rest, a person who endures hardship for long periods of time....these actions have never occured to me to be acts of love before. But now, I see that if they are done out of obedience for God, then surely they are actions filled with love for God, and though they are not outwardly aknowledged, I find more and more that there is a time for outward action/love for God, and a time for inward, secret action/love.
What do I do out of love and obedience for God on a regular basis in secret, away from recogntion, away from reciprocation, away from showing love in a human-to-human kind of way....? Who's approval am I seeking? Could I ever love until my hands bled without complaint?
Monday, June 18, 2007
Love, beauty, Page France, Awesome Chicks, Earl Grey Green Tea
Again, this has been a long time coming. I just want to note a conversation going on around me:
Chris is sitting next to me, asking Jenna questions from this game Andrew bought at the thrift store entitled "Urban Myth", where you have to guess whether the myth on the card is true or false. When asked whether slinkies were sold on every continent, Jenna's logic went something like this:
"Hmmm, that would mean they'd sell them in Antarctica...do they have stairs in Antarctica? No. I'm going with false."
Amazing.
Anywhoo, an update on my life:
I wanted to write a post a while ago about an amazing conversation Jenna and I had about the nature of love. Here is the readers digest version: Could it be possible that all love is Narcissistic? Meaning, when one falls in love, are they not simply falling in love with the version of the person they have created in their mind? Is love not simply finding someone that provokes ones own imagination, and fufills some prior standard that you have created in your own brain that you are simply projecting onto another person? Do you really ever truly love someone, or just the image that you have of them? This certainly explains why some people fall in love with aweful people, because they have only fallen in love with their own version of that person, not who they really are...Just a thought.
In other news, this past Saturday, we were blessed with a day off, meaning, for the first time in about a month and a half, we had more than ONE DAY OFF IN A ROW!! So, this is what 2 days off in a row looked like for me: (if you just want the "thoughts on life" portion of this update, just skip this section)
Friday:
The girls and I (steph is now playing a lovely song on the piano, I am quite distracted by it, and it makes me feel like i should be writing a love song or something right now...) planned a "boys appreciation night" for the 6 other male team members, consisting of us writing encouragement notes to them, and sealing them with corks in wine bottles, and then sinking those wine bottles with bags of stones in the lake, and then hiding building supplies in the forest for making forts on the beach later, then making a truck into a pirate ship, then getting them pirate costumes, then making them a treasure map with all their treasure/building supply locations, then having a sweet campout on top of a sandhill overlooking the beach, with grilled cheese and beer and wine and banana boats and smores and guitars and blankets and wonderfulness. (I am quite sad to say that because of their fort-building efforts, many a boy now has poison ivy. Woops!)
Saturday:
I wake up from my surprizingly good sleep under the fort in the sand at about 6:30, and I'm on the road by 10 (Getting a 138 speeding ticket along the way), heading towards Waterloo to see Joanna et les femmes fantastiques! We go to the market, I buy 5 packs of blueberries for 5 dollars. We go to Zellers, intent on finding a sprinkler to purchase and jump through on Joanna's lawn. Joanna's french friends come over, I get tired from lack of sleep and take a nap instead of sprinkler-ing it up. Later, we take a walk through Waterloo park, go to the grocery store, where I feel faint and so start eating the first thing that I encounter, which is a box of life cereal. We get some iced tea goodness at starbucks, hit up LCBO, go back to the house. We make bbq chicken and peppers while the frenchies make us home made pina coladas, and the 8 of us who have now assembled at the house decide to move a table and many many candles out on to the lawn to have dinner. The frenchies also make us sweet potato fries, followed by a home-made chocolate cake dessert that cosists of melted 70% chocolate...holy crap. I have wonderful table convo with Blythe, Jo and I take an encouraging walk around the neighbourhood, and I also bring the pot of chocolate mix along and eat the leftovers with a spoon while we tell each other how awesome we are.
Sunday
I meet Jenna at her house near Burlington, where I meet her parents who are wonderful, and her 1 year old dog who is actually 90 years old inside. We take the go train downtown where we discover downtown has actually turned into the Sahara Desert. We meet Laura Mensinga briefly in Kensington, where she tells me about her potential trip to Rwanda, and I get uuber exctied. Jenna buys a dress. We check out our potential new home for next year, and are greeted with a socially akward man who was exactly who I thought he would be, and also his socially akward room mate who stands around far-too-tight bike shorts and short shirt, while contradictorally eating a bagel and drinking a beer. Needless to say, we were discouraged. Then, we miss our train by 3 minutes, equalling more discouragement. But, all is not lost. We will renew our house-looking one of these days, and find the community we are seeking, or else create our own.
Regardless of the downs of this weekend, Jenna and I talked on the way home about how this summer has already been filled with thoughts of beauty and love. I am constantly romanced by God. I find everything beautiful, I find everything romantic. I find myself falling in love on a daily basis, not with anyone specific, but just everything in general. Every moment here (well, maybe not in the barn...barf) is beautiful. I get overwhelmed by the peacefulness of this place. I smile to myself throughout the day thinking about the beauty that surrounds me. When I'm away from this place, I desire to be back here, and I only hope I can find a place in the fall that makes me feel this alive. To feel a part of the beauty of God is something that I desire for the rest of my life.
Chris is sitting next to me, asking Jenna questions from this game Andrew bought at the thrift store entitled "Urban Myth", where you have to guess whether the myth on the card is true or false. When asked whether slinkies were sold on every continent, Jenna's logic went something like this:
"Hmmm, that would mean they'd sell them in Antarctica...do they have stairs in Antarctica? No. I'm going with false."
Amazing.
Anywhoo, an update on my life:
I wanted to write a post a while ago about an amazing conversation Jenna and I had about the nature of love. Here is the readers digest version: Could it be possible that all love is Narcissistic? Meaning, when one falls in love, are they not simply falling in love with the version of the person they have created in their mind? Is love not simply finding someone that provokes ones own imagination, and fufills some prior standard that you have created in your own brain that you are simply projecting onto another person? Do you really ever truly love someone, or just the image that you have of them? This certainly explains why some people fall in love with aweful people, because they have only fallen in love with their own version of that person, not who they really are...Just a thought.
In other news, this past Saturday, we were blessed with a day off, meaning, for the first time in about a month and a half, we had more than ONE DAY OFF IN A ROW!! So, this is what 2 days off in a row looked like for me: (if you just want the "thoughts on life" portion of this update, just skip this section)
Friday:
The girls and I (steph is now playing a lovely song on the piano, I am quite distracted by it, and it makes me feel like i should be writing a love song or something right now...) planned a "boys appreciation night" for the 6 other male team members, consisting of us writing encouragement notes to them, and sealing them with corks in wine bottles, and then sinking those wine bottles with bags of stones in the lake, and then hiding building supplies in the forest for making forts on the beach later, then making a truck into a pirate ship, then getting them pirate costumes, then making them a treasure map with all their treasure/building supply locations, then having a sweet campout on top of a sandhill overlooking the beach, with grilled cheese and beer and wine and banana boats and smores and guitars and blankets and wonderfulness. (I am quite sad to say that because of their fort-building efforts, many a boy now has poison ivy. Woops!)
Saturday:
I wake up from my surprizingly good sleep under the fort in the sand at about 6:30, and I'm on the road by 10 (Getting a 138 speeding ticket along the way), heading towards Waterloo to see Joanna et les femmes fantastiques! We go to the market, I buy 5 packs of blueberries for 5 dollars. We go to Zellers, intent on finding a sprinkler to purchase and jump through on Joanna's lawn. Joanna's french friends come over, I get tired from lack of sleep and take a nap instead of sprinkler-ing it up. Later, we take a walk through Waterloo park, go to the grocery store, where I feel faint and so start eating the first thing that I encounter, which is a box of life cereal. We get some iced tea goodness at starbucks, hit up LCBO, go back to the house. We make bbq chicken and peppers while the frenchies make us home made pina coladas, and the 8 of us who have now assembled at the house decide to move a table and many many candles out on to the lawn to have dinner. The frenchies also make us sweet potato fries, followed by a home-made chocolate cake dessert that cosists of melted 70% chocolate...holy crap. I have wonderful table convo with Blythe, Jo and I take an encouraging walk around the neighbourhood, and I also bring the pot of chocolate mix along and eat the leftovers with a spoon while we tell each other how awesome we are.
Sunday
I meet Jenna at her house near Burlington, where I meet her parents who are wonderful, and her 1 year old dog who is actually 90 years old inside. We take the go train downtown where we discover downtown has actually turned into the Sahara Desert. We meet Laura Mensinga briefly in Kensington, where she tells me about her potential trip to Rwanda, and I get uuber exctied. Jenna buys a dress. We check out our potential new home for next year, and are greeted with a socially akward man who was exactly who I thought he would be, and also his socially akward room mate who stands around far-too-tight bike shorts and short shirt, while contradictorally eating a bagel and drinking a beer. Needless to say, we were discouraged. Then, we miss our train by 3 minutes, equalling more discouragement. But, all is not lost. We will renew our house-looking one of these days, and find the community we are seeking, or else create our own.
Regardless of the downs of this weekend, Jenna and I talked on the way home about how this summer has already been filled with thoughts of beauty and love. I am constantly romanced by God. I find everything beautiful, I find everything romantic. I find myself falling in love on a daily basis, not with anyone specific, but just everything in general. Every moment here (well, maybe not in the barn...barf) is beautiful. I get overwhelmed by the peacefulness of this place. I smile to myself throughout the day thinking about the beauty that surrounds me. When I'm away from this place, I desire to be back here, and I only hope I can find a place in the fall that makes me feel this alive. To feel a part of the beauty of God is something that I desire for the rest of my life.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
A confusion of thoughts/ My life in Pictures
I have about a zillion thoughts running through my head. I pretty much contemplated my entire life between the hours of 7 and noon today, and I wish I had written them all down at lunch time; for now, as I sit here with my stawberry-and-angel-food-cake-filled-bowl, my thoughts escape me, at least in any articulate way.
The only way to capture nick on camera is shots like this. This is our electric piano which I hope to one day make sweet techno tunes on.
A cliff face full of sparrow homes...
This, and the next few shots, are at the port in Port Rowan, a photographer's dream.
Kat climbing the campbell's-soup-can-like lighthouse in Port Rowan.
I thought mostly about the people in my life, past and present, that have inspired me, and wondered if I have let their examples really affect my life. I have known some amazing people, people who are daily making a difference, people who had big dreams and pursued them. I have known some amazingly romantic people, amazingly dramatic people, amazingly intelligent people...and above all else, amazingly loving people. But the questions I asked myself was: "who have I become because of them? Have I changed my life at all? Have I become an inspiring person? Have I pursued MY dreams?"
I struggle with the notion of contentment. I often find myself dreaming big, but being content with mediocre. I am fairly content with anything that comes my way, but is this a good thing? Sometimes I wish I was discontent more often, so as to push past the mediocre and become something more... I can't collect my thoughts any more clearly right now, so I will just end this blog with some beautiful moments from the past month.
The only way to capture nick on camera is shots like this. This is our electric piano which I hope to one day make sweet techno tunes on.A cliff face full of sparrow homes...This, and the next few shots, are at the port in Port Rowan, a photographer's dream.Kat climbing the campbell's-soup-can-like lighthouse in Port Rowan.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
The morning after
So, since I have internet access that does not take 1/2 an hour to load, I figured I would make the most of it and attempt to collect my thoughts at 8 in the morning. This should not be a challenging task since Jenna and I tend to have our most serious and thought-provoking convorsations done and over with before 9 o'clock rolls around.
Yesterday, Amanda Jane Hill became Amanda Jane Stoner. The girl I have spent most of my laughs and tears and "photo shoots" with is now in a completely new stage of life, and has become a new woman. I haven't been to a full wedding since I was 11 years old, and so the only vision I had for what this wedding might be like was something of a collaboration of "my best friends wedding" "runaway bride" and other such idyllistic, hollywood-style wedding scenarios featuring Julia Roberts that give women warped perceptions of love and relationships. To my surprise then, the entire event went more quickly than I ever could have anticipated, and it made me realize that weddings are more about photos than about the event itself. The entire day is spent trying to capture creative ways to remember it. It is a memory even as it is occuring. Myself being inclined to photography was certainly enjoying taking photos much more than just enjoying the day itself.
We seem to talk a lot about marriage at "the ark" (the renovated church I am staying at with my 11 new compadres), males and females alike. I dont' actually think I've talked so much about weddings since I was a naieve teenager who thought that if I wasn't married by 24 and having babies by 27, life would just not be worth living. I think it's a dangerous practice to romantisize about a life that you cannot possibly anticipate. It seems, nonetheless, to be a frequent hobby of mine. However, I tend to romanticize not just ONE scenario for my life, but many many multiples of scenarios, and in this way, I believe I save myself from the heartache of dreams unrealized. I am excited for pretty much any avenue my heavenly father wishes to guide me down, and though it is hard to let go of the other 20 or so dreams that will not come true as I venture down just one, I know that God is with me, and that is sufficient.
I was blessed to have an amazing God moment last night in the few minutes before I left the reception yesterday. I realize this blog is getting long so bare with me. As I was saying my goodbyes to Travis, one of the groomsmen and an amazing man of God, the Lord just seemed to be so present in the things we were speaking about, and this thought arose out of me during our convorsation:
The work that I'm doing on the asparagus barn is not glamorous. My soul cries out for more when I am trapped on the line, doing the same motion over and over. My spirit is often suffocated, and at first I was quite sure that I would have to quit. But I am a person who tries to take joy in the hard times, for I know that God is strengthening me, and that he does not give us tasks we cannot handle. I realized in that moment with Travis that the contrast between the soul-sucking nature of the asparagus barn, and the awe-inspiring landscape I find myself situated in when I leave each day has heightened my appreciation for the beauty that surrounds me. I have started a "list of beautiful things", as I am often overwhelmed by the beauty I am finding in moments these days. I find beauty in nature, I find beauty in literature, I find beauty in people, I find beauty in music, I find beauty in silence. What a blessing it is to rediscover the romance that God has placed all around me. I realize so much more strongly now that we must have contrast in order to be appreciative. I hope others at the ark are finding solace in this fact as well.
Yesterday, Amanda Jane Hill became Amanda Jane Stoner. The girl I have spent most of my laughs and tears and "photo shoots" with is now in a completely new stage of life, and has become a new woman. I haven't been to a full wedding since I was 11 years old, and so the only vision I had for what this wedding might be like was something of a collaboration of "my best friends wedding" "runaway bride" and other such idyllistic, hollywood-style wedding scenarios featuring Julia Roberts that give women warped perceptions of love and relationships. To my surprise then, the entire event went more quickly than I ever could have anticipated, and it made me realize that weddings are more about photos than about the event itself. The entire day is spent trying to capture creative ways to remember it. It is a memory even as it is occuring. Myself being inclined to photography was certainly enjoying taking photos much more than just enjoying the day itself.
We seem to talk a lot about marriage at "the ark" (the renovated church I am staying at with my 11 new compadres), males and females alike. I dont' actually think I've talked so much about weddings since I was a naieve teenager who thought that if I wasn't married by 24 and having babies by 27, life would just not be worth living. I think it's a dangerous practice to romantisize about a life that you cannot possibly anticipate. It seems, nonetheless, to be a frequent hobby of mine. However, I tend to romanticize not just ONE scenario for my life, but many many multiples of scenarios, and in this way, I believe I save myself from the heartache of dreams unrealized. I am excited for pretty much any avenue my heavenly father wishes to guide me down, and though it is hard to let go of the other 20 or so dreams that will not come true as I venture down just one, I know that God is with me, and that is sufficient.
I was blessed to have an amazing God moment last night in the few minutes before I left the reception yesterday. I realize this blog is getting long so bare with me. As I was saying my goodbyes to Travis, one of the groomsmen and an amazing man of God, the Lord just seemed to be so present in the things we were speaking about, and this thought arose out of me during our convorsation:
The work that I'm doing on the asparagus barn is not glamorous. My soul cries out for more when I am trapped on the line, doing the same motion over and over. My spirit is often suffocated, and at first I was quite sure that I would have to quit. But I am a person who tries to take joy in the hard times, for I know that God is strengthening me, and that he does not give us tasks we cannot handle. I realized in that moment with Travis that the contrast between the soul-sucking nature of the asparagus barn, and the awe-inspiring landscape I find myself situated in when I leave each day has heightened my appreciation for the beauty that surrounds me. I have started a "list of beautiful things", as I am often overwhelmed by the beauty I am finding in moments these days. I find beauty in nature, I find beauty in literature, I find beauty in people, I find beauty in music, I find beauty in silence. What a blessing it is to rediscover the romance that God has placed all around me. I realize so much more strongly now that we must have contrast in order to be appreciative. I hope others at the ark are finding solace in this fact as well.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
An accumulation of moments in the span of 2 weeks
Productive boredom
wavering apathy
Edge of the plateau
peering over into irony
Strained backs
life lines
Edge of the couch
wondering how to fill the time
Wild flowers
Rubber bands
Grazed knuckles
holding hands
Toothpick holders
Grocery lists
Jumping turbine shadows
in the afternoon mist
Machine-like movements
Accordion cases
Unknown ages
of weathered faces
wavering apathy
Edge of the plateau
peering over into irony
Strained backs
life lines
Edge of the couch
wondering how to fill the time
Wild flowers
Rubber bands
Grazed knuckles
holding hands
Toothpick holders
Grocery lists
Jumping turbine shadows
in the afternoon mist
Machine-like movements
Accordion cases
Unknown ages
of weathered faces
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Boredom is the mother of creativity/Group inspiration
So, as Jenna put it so perfectly yesterday, the past few days have certainly felt like we have been babysitting ourselves. The list below backs up my claim that boredom is truly the mother of creativity/invention. Also, this may be a clear sign that I have a.d.d.
Sand-dune jumping
Picture taking
Kite Flying
Badminton playing
Many games of pool
Picture-drawing game where you combine two animals into one (my personal invention for the week)
hoola-hoop contest
Collective story-writing game
Campfire on the beach
Road trip to haunted house
Several games of balderdash
100+ pages of a book read
incredibly artistic fruit and sushi platters
Frizbee
Buffalo farm
Making a "pin the horn on the blinged-out-unicorn" game
and most recently, watching one of my favorite movies, The Science of Sleep
(followed directly afterwards by the craft described below)
I sit here alone at a grand wooden table fit for 14 or more people, listening to Regina Spektor sing about a den of thieves. Everyone is asleep, and although I would like to sing along out loud, I'm afraid I may wake someone, although on second thought, since the 4 of us who stayed up late were not 10 minutes ago talking freely and making noise, I suppose I shouldn't worry.
I'm feeling gentle admiration for the adaptability of human beings right now. I marvel at how 12 nearly-strangers can settle in so quickly and become a functioning unit. 4 of us girls just stayed up after the movie was over, and feeling inspired decided to make a diorama (weird that that word has come up more than once today) of boats with forests in them. They are all currently sitting on a lake of tin foil in the middle of the table, about to collide with an orange crushed pop can glacier. How wonderful to be so inspired as a group.
Jenna and I discussed this evening our longing to find a group of people back home that have the same goals, the same dreams, the same inspirations as we do, in respect to God's calling on our lives. We both agree that it is nearly impossible to pursue a radical, Jesus-following lifestyle on one's own. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again: We are a generation of talkers, of theology, of theory...what we lack is the motivation, stamina...the mojo, if you will, to "get the job done". I pray that this trip will make me better prepared to be not just a woman of words, but a woman of deeds.
I also pray that I find more productive things to do with my time...although our blinging unicorn is pretty much an AMAZING use of time.
I suppose I will head off to my room now, where I hope to have dreams similar to those I just fell in love with in that movie. Night.
Sand-dune jumping
Picture taking
Kite Flying
Badminton playing
Many games of pool
Picture-drawing game where you combine two animals into one (my personal invention for the week)
hoola-hoop contest
Collective story-writing game
Campfire on the beach
Road trip to haunted house
Several games of balderdash
100+ pages of a book read
incredibly artistic fruit and sushi platters
Frizbee
Buffalo farm
Making a "pin the horn on the blinged-out-unicorn" game
and most recently, watching one of my favorite movies, The Science of Sleep
(followed directly afterwards by the craft described below)
I sit here alone at a grand wooden table fit for 14 or more people, listening to Regina Spektor sing about a den of thieves. Everyone is asleep, and although I would like to sing along out loud, I'm afraid I may wake someone, although on second thought, since the 4 of us who stayed up late were not 10 minutes ago talking freely and making noise, I suppose I shouldn't worry.
I'm feeling gentle admiration for the adaptability of human beings right now. I marvel at how 12 nearly-strangers can settle in so quickly and become a functioning unit. 4 of us girls just stayed up after the movie was over, and feeling inspired decided to make a diorama (weird that that word has come up more than once today) of boats with forests in them. They are all currently sitting on a lake of tin foil in the middle of the table, about to collide with an orange crushed pop can glacier. How wonderful to be so inspired as a group.
Jenna and I discussed this evening our longing to find a group of people back home that have the same goals, the same dreams, the same inspirations as we do, in respect to God's calling on our lives. We both agree that it is nearly impossible to pursue a radical, Jesus-following lifestyle on one's own. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again: We are a generation of talkers, of theology, of theory...what we lack is the motivation, stamina...the mojo, if you will, to "get the job done". I pray that this trip will make me better prepared to be not just a woman of words, but a woman of deeds.
I also pray that I find more productive things to do with my time...although our blinging unicorn is pretty much an AMAZING use of time.
I suppose I will head off to my room now, where I hope to have dreams similar to those I just fell in love with in that movie. Night.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Near Eden
One might think that driving 3.5 hours in the pouring rain would be a less than pleasant experience. Most times, they'd be right. Yesterday however, despite the buckets of rain splashing accross my windshield, I was still able to be absolutely enthralled with the landscape as I drove from Pickering to my new destination: Port Burwell.
As I drove along, past streets with rows of tall shrubs that made me feel like I was in the Queen's maze from Alice in Wonderland, I noticed certain town names that made me smile. I passed through a small town named Eden; a town so small you can blink and it's gone. I felt it was poetic. I am also situated near a town called Vienna (although at this point, I may have confused myself on the name of that). Naming small rural townships after far-away, exotic, idylic places made me think of a book I read, or a movie I saw, in which a run-down town that was nearly deserted had named all of its streets after famous places, and one got a sense of tragic irony that no one from that town would ever really travel to them. I remembered at once how much I liked that concept, and the sad cleverness of it came back to me as I drove through the rain, singing along with Dashboard and Death Cab, thinking how wonderful it was to be able to say I was situated somewhere near Eden...
I am happy to say that I will have constant internet access while I'm hear at "The Ark" (which is the name for the huge renovated church I am living in with my 11 other new compadres). Yesterday I recieved my first ESL lesson, and as I sit here on one of the AMAZING, huge, plush couches, the ESL teacher sits in front of me, getting our lessons ready for today, while our live-in cook seems to be making toast and tea for us....ooo, also she made waffles for us yesterday.... Everything we consume will be home made. The menonites are going to treat me right.
I will be taking some pictures hopefully today of my new surroundings. Yesterday, the 6 of us who are here already went down to the "beach", which is not accessable directly from where we are, but there is a huge sandy cliff which is absolutely goregous which I can't wait to show all of you!
It looks like everyone is up now, ready to eat, so I shall stop being antisocial and join them.
Miss you all!!
--Natalie
As I drove along, past streets with rows of tall shrubs that made me feel like I was in the Queen's maze from Alice in Wonderland, I noticed certain town names that made me smile. I passed through a small town named Eden; a town so small you can blink and it's gone. I felt it was poetic. I am also situated near a town called Vienna (although at this point, I may have confused myself on the name of that). Naming small rural townships after far-away, exotic, idylic places made me think of a book I read, or a movie I saw, in which a run-down town that was nearly deserted had named all of its streets after famous places, and one got a sense of tragic irony that no one from that town would ever really travel to them. I remembered at once how much I liked that concept, and the sad cleverness of it came back to me as I drove through the rain, singing along with Dashboard and Death Cab, thinking how wonderful it was to be able to say I was situated somewhere near Eden...
I am happy to say that I will have constant internet access while I'm hear at "The Ark" (which is the name for the huge renovated church I am living in with my 11 other new compadres). Yesterday I recieved my first ESL lesson, and as I sit here on one of the AMAZING, huge, plush couches, the ESL teacher sits in front of me, getting our lessons ready for today, while our live-in cook seems to be making toast and tea for us....ooo, also she made waffles for us yesterday.... Everything we consume will be home made. The menonites are going to treat me right.
I will be taking some pictures hopefully today of my new surroundings. Yesterday, the 6 of us who are here already went down to the "beach", which is not accessable directly from where we are, but there is a huge sandy cliff which is absolutely goregous which I can't wait to show all of you!
It looks like everyone is up now, ready to eat, so I shall stop being antisocial and join them.
Miss you all!!
--Natalie
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Fears and Excitements
I am feeling scared and excited all at once. I never do well when I have a lot on my plate, and right now is no exception. I have just over a week left until I leave, and it's exciting, but it's also freaking me out. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I like to plan out my thoughts so that they make more sense. So here is a list of my current fears and my current excitements:
Fears
Making the wrong choice
Saying the wrong thing
Trusting that God knows better than I do
Being hurt emotionally
Hurting others emotionally
Using fear as an excuse so as not to have to make a decision
Meeting new people
Leaving old friends
Forgetting to pack some intrinsically important thing
Upper and Lower back problems due to asparagus farming
Arthritis problems in my wrists due to asparagus farming
Forgetting to take my medication before leaving for Guatemala
Not getting into the courses I want for next year
Leaving my mom and brother to deal with family issues alone
Allowing myself to be who God wants me to be
Allowing myself to be hurt to be strengthened
Trying at something that I can't see the outcome of right now
Having my impatience make up my mind instead of having God make up my mind
Excitements
Being done school
Getting to start my reading list!!!
Making Amanda's quilt
Campfires on the beach
Friends coming to visit me
Bradley's cardigan
Margeaux's fresh start
Mark's potential canadian idol status
Amanda's wedding
Almost being finished my teaching block
Meeting new friends
Having Shinanigans on the farm with Jenna
Potentially getting in shape
Having alone time with God
Climbing mountains
Doing God's will
My fears seem to outweigh my excitements. I'm scared to move on, scared to leave the comfort of my shell. In all aspects of my life, I find it hard to move forward. I've made this space for myself, a life that is comfortable. It is filled with love and joy and ease. I don't get hurt, I don't get lonely, I don't get challenged (other than by myself). How can I detatch myself from my comfort? In what ways am I supposed to? I hope beyond all hopes that this trip will clear the fog in my head; I pray that it will open my eyes to the decisions I face right now, but maybe also to the decisions that I have no idea about yet.
9 more days till it all begins and ends.
Fears
Making the wrong choice
Saying the wrong thing
Trusting that God knows better than I do
Being hurt emotionally
Hurting others emotionally
Using fear as an excuse so as not to have to make a decision
Meeting new people
Leaving old friends
Forgetting to pack some intrinsically important thing
Upper and Lower back problems due to asparagus farming
Arthritis problems in my wrists due to asparagus farming
Forgetting to take my medication before leaving for Guatemala
Not getting into the courses I want for next year
Leaving my mom and brother to deal with family issues alone
Allowing myself to be who God wants me to be
Allowing myself to be hurt to be strengthened
Trying at something that I can't see the outcome of right now
Having my impatience make up my mind instead of having God make up my mind
Excitements
Being done school
Getting to start my reading list!!!
Making Amanda's quilt
Campfires on the beach
Friends coming to visit me
Bradley's cardigan
Margeaux's fresh start
Mark's potential canadian idol status
Amanda's wedding
Almost being finished my teaching block
Meeting new friends
Having Shinanigans on the farm with Jenna
Potentially getting in shape
Having alone time with God
Climbing mountains
Doing God's will
My fears seem to outweigh my excitements. I'm scared to move on, scared to leave the comfort of my shell. In all aspects of my life, I find it hard to move forward. I've made this space for myself, a life that is comfortable. It is filled with love and joy and ease. I don't get hurt, I don't get lonely, I don't get challenged (other than by myself). How can I detatch myself from my comfort? In what ways am I supposed to? I hope beyond all hopes that this trip will clear the fog in my head; I pray that it will open my eyes to the decisions I face right now, but maybe also to the decisions that I have no idea about yet.
9 more days till it all begins and ends.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
The Prologue
So, here I go. ANOTHER website added to the internet, another grand, vast, unwavering waste of time. Perhaps this blog will be different though... Yes, of course it will, because THIS is the blog with a PURPOSE! I have started this blog in order to share my thoughts and experiences as I depart from my friends and family for 4 months in order to take part in a missions trip with Global Shores. I hope that through this blog, I will be able to express the wonderful things God will no doubt reveal to me, as well as keep my loved ones connected to me throughout my time away. This sounds like some kind of letter of appeal at this point, so perhaps I should end it quickly.
I DO hope that everyone will make use of this website and keep tabs on me and write me often...or else I might go crazy, since every time I go away I pretty much feel like I will A: never meet anybody as awesome as the friends I alreay have, and B: come back to find that none of my friendships are the way they were before. Both of these statements are of course untrue, yet I tend to think them all the same. Don't let my neuroses get the best of me ;)
Here's to new adventures in lands of green!
<3 Natalie, Asparagus Princess
I DO hope that everyone will make use of this website and keep tabs on me and write me often...or else I might go crazy, since every time I go away I pretty much feel like I will A: never meet anybody as awesome as the friends I alreay have, and B: come back to find that none of my friendships are the way they were before. Both of these statements are of course untrue, yet I tend to think them all the same. Don't let my neuroses get the best of me ;)
Here's to new adventures in lands of green!
<3 Natalie, Asparagus Princess
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
